I guess we both know we're in over our heads...

Penny likes to get away,
And drown her pain in lemonade...

I decided yesterday, actually technically today, that I am so totally done with you and our whole situation. I can't do this anymore. I told you this, and I know that you think it's a phase- like it always is. You think that I will just forget about it... because that's what I do. I've never been like this with anyone else. When it comes to you, you know that I just push all our issues we have with each other aside because I want to make you happy. That's all I've ever wanted to do- make you happy. I've told you that a million times and you always smile and say, "That's your thing! You do it so well!" I never thought it would hurt so bad to say that I can't just let it go anymore. When you make me mad because you call me and wake me up or when I get irritated because you fart in the car all the time I never say anything. Why? Again, I don't like to fight or argue or anything like that with you. But now, when it comes to the things that hurt my heart and hurt my feelings, I can't just let it go anymore. I know that's what you want. You want me to just be cool with all of the decisions you make and the ways you treat me that are so inappropriate sometimes. It's not fair to me. It's not. I've done nothing but watch out for you and help you through all the crap you've been through. Is it fair that I have to sit back and watch this awful girl take advantage of you? Is it fair to me that after 5 years when we FINALLY admit that we have feelings for each other you decide you can't do that to her? What did she ever do for you? Has she been there for you for 5 years like I have? You've said yourself that I know when girls are using you. After being your best friend for so long, I almost have to know. Sometimes I feel like your mother- I'm constantly helping you out and looking out for you. For awhile, when our friendship was in the best stage ever, I felt that same kind of care from you. I just don't feel it like I used to. I know it's because of this stupid girl. Don't get me wrong, I know for a fact that you care about me. I know that if I were to get in a horrible car wreck and go into a coma or something, you would be there with me and for me. I know that. Is it wrong for me to want more from you? Is it wrong for me to ask you to stop telling me these things about our future together when your plan is to stay with her? I feel like it might be. After talking with some of my closest friends about this whole situation, I'm always getting asked if I want to be with you. If I have feelings for you. If I love you. It's hard for me to answer that because of the way you are treating me right now. Do you know how hard it's been for me to not dial your number for ONE WEEK? Do you know how hard it's been to not return texts or not answer when you call or not call you back?? I know that all you want from me is a text or a phone call. And that's exactly why I'm not giving you either. I'm sick of letting it go. You hurt me. You really, really did. I didn't ask you that for fun. I asked you that because I wanted to know... I NEEDED to know. I know I'm not supposed to hold grudges, and I try not to, but I have never been hurt like this by you. I love you because you're my friend. I want everything to be normal. I want to lay around listening to Radiohead and go to ChicFilA with you because we're bored. I want to watch hockey with you even though you know I hate it.

I want to be here when you come back. I want to. I just don't know if that's going to be possible.