Lately

I've been having a really hard time. I've actually been really good about keeping my composure and being seemingly normal in social situations- just like nothing's wrong. Until Tuesday night when I completely LOST IT. In front of like 12 people. Sometimes I feel like being born with a personality like mine is more of a curse than a blessing. Yeah, it seems great to be happy all the time but when I don't feel well and all I want to do is cry, I still have to act happy and upbeat. It's just what people expect from me, as sad as that is. Don't get me wrong- I'm glad I have the personality that I have, but it is sometimes a burden.

I can't tell you how bad my heart hearts though. I am constantly reminded of him. Everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him. I guess that's what happens when you are with a person for that long- he was such a huge part of my life, and I never realized it until he was gone. Like the smell of a lotion I carried in my purse for the entire first year of our relationship and how the mere smell of it thrusts me back into his living room. Or catching a wiff of the new car smell air freshener and remember the day we layed in the back of his car for hours while his heart broke and all we could do was breathe in and out together. Or how the glance at my phone makes me think of your cute little phone presentation you made for me on the day I wanted a new phone. (I still remember all the phones you showed me. And the tie you were wearing that day). Or how Love Actually or a handful of other movies can't be mentioned without me suddenly finding myself back in your bedroom, cuddled up- as safe as I have ever felt.

I want you all to know that I'm really trying not to be so upset. I know it's annoying and probably the last thing you all want to deal with. I love you all so much for putting up with me and for talking me out of murder and vandalism :)

The bad part is....

I still love you.