BERGARK.

I'm not sure there's another way to describe how I feel right now. I found out some news about a friend of mine last night that didn't really shock me, but it made me realize how hard of a time he's been having. If I would have just known this junior year. If you would have just TOLD ME THEN. I wouldn't feel so awful now. Maybe I could have helped. I feel like I should have been a better person to you. I should have been a better friend. I shouldn't have talked to you like that. After you told me all that, I came back to my room to tell Angel what was going on, and I couldn't help but BAWL. Not because I'm hurt because of it or because I had any feelings whatsoever for you, but just because I feel like I should have been what you needed and wanted for so long.

Angel just told me what so many other people tell me. I need to start looking out for me and not so much for other people. I can't be everything to everyone. I told her that that's just not how I was raised. My whole childhood and my whole life, I've always learned to put other people first. I always have and I do. It's a great quality to have, but it gets ridiculous when it's to this point. I care so much about my friends and people in my life. I think I might care a little too much. I can't help it, honestly. I can't. I hate to disappoint people. I hate that I can't be everything that everyone needs. If you come to me with a problem that no one can do anything about except you, I will feel bad that I can't do anything to help. I love the people in my life that are there for me. I feel like I need to be there for them. When Winston's mom died, I felt like I needed to step up and act like his mother. Not like live in his house and tell him to study, but I felt a motherly instinct in me that made me cry every night for weeks because I couldn't make him feel better. There HAD to be something I could do. There wasn't. Honestly. Except just to call him and go visit him and BE THERE. That's what he needed. But it wasn't EVERYTHING he needed, and that broke my heart.

I just am generally feeling horrible these days. I'm trying SO hard to be pleasant and positive, but it seriously feels like nothing is going my way. I know that sounds horrible, because I have SO much and I am SO incredibly blessed. I feel like such a brat saying that I'm not happy. I'm just not. Call me selfish or whatever, but I'm not. I want to be. I want to be as happy as I was last semester. I seriously feel like all of my relationships are crumbling. My best friends and I are growing apart. It sucks so bad because I want to go to Wilmington every weekend to see my best friend and to be there for her when she needs me. I want to go to Charlotte when Bekah calls me bawling and needing someone so bad. I want to go to Chapel Hill and see Zbuddy and all my Carolina friends. I want to make sure these relationships don't leave me like everything else. I can't go all these places- I just don't have the money. I'm so frustrated about that too. I'm not making enough money right now. I don't have enough hours working for my mom. She can't schedule too many hours yet because she just opened and is therefore not making enough money yet to give everyone a million hours. I'm getting a 2nd job. I'm interviewing tomorrow. I hope I don't come off the way I feel inside.

My heart hurts. I hate living with people when I need to cry this bad.

And to top it all off, I need someone special in my life. Katie has Matt. Sarah has Alex. Ashley has Stan. Katie has Bradley. Why does it feel like every single person around me has some stupid boy that they have been with for 28374983743875 years. They just KNOW they are getting married. I'm so happy for them. Seriously, I am. They are some of my best, and I want them to be happy. But don't I deserve something like that? Hell, maybe I don't.

I just don't even know anymore. About anything. I feel empty and awful. Mostly just empty. And did I mention that my heart is aching?