I actually don't hate you.

Not anymore.

That is an emotion I do not like to feel, and one that I do not feel often. It is a wasteful emotion and puts my heart and my mind in a very dark and heavy place that I hate to be in.

I went driving around the other day and tried to figure out where my head was. I had gotten back into a state of self pity that, while comfortable, is not a place I want to be in either.

I felt angry and sad and I didn't appreciate anything beautiful anymore.

I drove by a family at the park- laughing and enjoying each other. I opened my eyes for the first time in weeks and looked around.

I saw the gorgeous flowers at Bicentennial Gardens, more precious families, couples walking around holding hands and I felt the sun kiss my arm- almost smiling.

All of those things were there before, but I couldn't see them because I was in a bad place. Once I let go of what happened between us, I could instantly experience my life. How it was meant to be experienced.

I smiled as the Beatles "Let it Be" played on my Ipod shuffle and felt as though every stone I had been dragging on my back had finally fallen off.

In that one moment, I was free.

As I drove, I thought of nothing but the lyrics to the songs that played. How weird was it that every song had something to do with him.

On the way home, I thought of living.

Of being able to laugh again for real.

Of being able to find someone else and to love him so much harder than I ever loved you.

Of being able to forget you.

LIVING.

I was given a life, MY life. And because I was me, I would have opportunitites and chances other people don't get, and I didn't want to live stagnat, lost, and locked in a world where I didn't do anything.

I will live my life free of you.

Free of your mistakes and poor judgement.

Free of your attempts at hurting me.

Because I don't want to give you that power over me.

So no, I do not hate you anymore.

Because I am stronger than hate and bigger than a broken ego.

More than tears and giving in to whatever you wanted.

You had the power once.

BUT I AM TAKING IT BACK.

I feel happier than I have in weeks.

I smile because it feels right.

I am living an amazing life, and I am living it free.

And again...

I hope you figure your life out.

I hope who you are will be more than who you were that night.

I hope for you.

Because I do not hate you anymore.