misses and kisses

As I sat across from you in that empty store today, I felt it. That old feeling. The one that made us so crazy in love with each other. The air conditioning was blasting, and so was Radiohead. My stomach was flipping upside down and my heart was racing. Your hair was the way I love it the most, and you were wearing one of the shirts I bought you way back when. You were wearing that ring on the middle finger of your left hand. The one that I hate. You sat there and stared at me in the way that I remember best. It was silent, yet so loud. Where are we? Is this "relationship" of ours even definable? Is this even a relationship? What exactly are we doing here?
When you hugged me, I smelled the cologne that I love the most. That scent takes me back to that night at the park. The night we cried together. I can remember everything you said that night. I can remember what time it was and what we were both wearing. I can remember feeling bliss and pain at the exact same time- it was something I had never felt before. As you held me and let me cry, I realized that my shirt smelled like you. I smelled like you. And after you kissed me and I drove away on that mild autumn night, I remember thinking that I wanted to smell like you forever. I told myself, "I can't live without this smell. " In reality, I can't live without you.
This process that has been taking place in the past few months has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. I was afraid for my life at one point. I wanted to die. I knew it had to feel better than what I felt. Now, almost 4 months later, I find myself wondering if I really, truly want to be over you. The past few days with you have changed everything. I don't know what I want and I don't know what you want. I'm not ready to put you behind me. I was almost there. That's the worst part. I was so close. I can't anymore. I still love you.