breathe in breathe out

Summer is over, and I am very upset. I've been in school since the 18th, at GTCC. It's fine- it's definitely not UNCG. I'm taking 19 hours of crap classes, and I'm working 5 days a week. I'm trying to have time open for important things- not only homework and studying (which is ridiculously important) but my friends too. Is it bad that I am not too concerned about time with my family? I'm living at home- it's not like I don't see them here. Maybe that's bad...

I think I'm slowly killing myself. Too much school and too much work and too much emotion makes me a tired girl. I've made myself sick, too. For the past almost 2 weeks, I've had an awful congestion problem, and a really horrible sore throat. I know it is stress induced, but the fact that it's been around so long scares me. I need to go to an ENT doctor, because now my voice is goneish too. I should really do that.

I should really get my car fixed too.

I need to make time for these things, but I feel like when I do have time, I'm either too tired to do it or I have a trillion other things to do for school. Hannah thinks I'm doing permanent damage to my voice. She's probably right.

I don't even know anymore. At this point a year ago, I would have already cried every single night and had my share of breakdowns. Now, nope. Y'all know how emotional I am. Recently, I haven't been able to cry. It's weird, I know. I think it might be because my days are such rollercoasters, I'm almost in shock all of the time. Between Mike and Matt, I just might give myself a heart attack. I think that I'm still me, though, and that just means that the emotion is delayed. Buuut, when I do decide to let it all out, it's going to be epic. Just a warning. haha.

Some days I think I still love Mike (aka my previous post), and some days I don't. I haven't felt like I still love him since posting that. I KNOW my life could be so much better without him in it, but it's hard to just give that all up. Blah blah blah.

And then there's Matt. He's wrong. He's got issues and baggage and who knows what else. He's the opposite of what I need in my life and NOT relationship material whatsoever. Yet I still find myself insanely happy to be around him. I LOVE hanging out with him. I LOVE his stupid words he makes up and I LOVE his cute apartment. I love how he talks to me, how sweet he is to me, how he holds my hand, and how me kisses me. He goes out of his way to be sweet to me and to make sure I’m comfortable. Sure, I’ve done a lot for him, but that’s what friends are for, right? When I fell asleep watching a movie at his apartment this afternoon, he got me a pillow and a blanket and turned the TV down for me. When I woke up and he was in the kitchen, he came right back in, kissed my forehead, tucked my hair behind my ear, and layed down to sleep too. This is the cutest thing of life:

I have to figure out what I want from Matt and what I want from ME- in terms of everything. School is ridiculous right now, and I’m trying my hardest to be amazing at it this time around. Prayers and thoughts are much appreciated. I’ll be around here soon <333